how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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