why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
