she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
