The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
