I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
