So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
