nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
