Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
