it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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