just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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