just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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