"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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