My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
