i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
