Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
