she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
