HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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