you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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