I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
