If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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