i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
