why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
