Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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