How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Randomize
