a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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