i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
im six kinds of drunk right now
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I am naked and annoyed.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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