$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
