Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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