a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
