I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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