Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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