So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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