I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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