We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
