I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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