i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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