Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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