Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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