It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
