remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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