Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just want nice things and good sex
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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