And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
