there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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