Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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