I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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