the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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