Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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