so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
