Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Randomize
