Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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