Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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