Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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